Fun with Conservative Emailer.

Tierra, Thu, Mar 26, 2009 at 11:48 AM:
Hey Nick,
The College Republican National Committee is proud to announce the 2009 Biennial Convention. This year the convention will take place at the Renaissance Marriott in Washington, DC June 4th-7th. The convention serves as an excellent opportunity to meet other CRs, see a showcase of conservative speakers and vote for the next CRNC leadership!
For more information or to register for the convention, visit http://crnc.org/register-2009-convention .
Hope to see you there!
Tierra

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Nick Adams, 3/26/09 12:15 PM:
Thank you for the cordial invitation, but I'm afraid I must decline. I seriously considered attending, and was beyond excited by the prospect of helping to elect the new leadership, but after consulting my schedule, I realized I have a prior commitment to godless, progressive values. Yeah, it turns out I'm hopelessly, blasphemously, and unapologetically liberal. I'm so liberal, I'd rather hang out with a homosexual, transgendered, military-deserting, atheist with a penchant for sodomizing dogs and recreational abortions than forced to sit ten minutes with a group of College Republicans.
I have voted for every liberal measure I can find to vote for, and have declared an unceasing war on Christmas, Easter, New Years, and traditional marriage. I think marriage is between a man and a man or a woman and a woman, and that the high incidence of homosexuality in nature (Here ) supports my claim. I believe in a truly absurd degree of moral relativism, and that any attempt to couch your arguments in moral terms of any kind is the sort of imperial, oppressive brow-beating that the White man has visited upon generations of brown people who behave differently. I further am against conservative sentence structure, which is simple and has a distinct distaste for alluring alliteration. Republicans made bad poets, bad artists, awful scientists, and lazy intellectuals, and I want nothing to do with you cowardly curs!

Thank you again for the invitation!
Nick Adams

Tierra, Thu, Mar 26, 2009 at 12:58 PM:
Next time, just hit unsubscribe.

Nick Adams, Thu, Marc 26, 2009 at 1:38 PM:
This was more fun.

Nick Adams, Thu, Mar 26, 2009 at 2:43 PM:
Subject: Apologies!
I apologize for my earlier glibness and flippancy. Your invitation was sincere, and seemed to contain strong determination towards your cause and moxie, gumption, wherewithal, spunk, pluck, and true grit in equal measure. I approve. Let's be friends!

Best,
Nick Adams

Tierra, Thu, Mar 26, 2009 at 3:01 PM:
Haha, at least your emails are humorous.

Nick, Thu, Mar 26, 2009 at 3:08 PM:
My emails are caffeine dreams--high-octane paragraphs contorted by the savage gravity of a dense and abderian humor! You should make liberal jokes; they're funnier, and get better mileage with the Hollywood and New England crowd. Conservative jokes are craven jabs at rabbis, priests, imams, and saloons, and I do not endorse those stereotypes!
Best,
Nick!